If You Can’t Seem to Accept it’s Over…
On this week’s podcast, I answered a question from a listener who is struggling to exit a relationship. She’s dating a guy who sounds AWFUL— he degrades her, dismisses her feelings, is rude, kind of gaslights her, he is constantly in her place and doesn’t contribute to the household in any way. It honestly sounds like he really has no redeeming qualities.
Yet, she’s struggling to walk away.
And honestly, I get it.
I think anyone who has ever been anxiously attached gets it.
Walking away from a relationship, especially for individuals with anxious/preoccupied attachment styles, can be an immensely challenging endeavor, even when the relationship is toxic or unfulfilling. Let's explore why this is the case from a scientific perspective, particularly focusing on the role of the nervous system in attachment dynamics.
1. Attachment Theory:
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, highlights the profound impact of early caregiver interactions on the formation of attachment styles. Anxious/preoccupied attachment stems from inconsistent caregiving, leading individuals to develop hyper-attunement to relational cues and a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats of abandonment or rejection.
2. Neurobiology of Attachment:
Hypervigilance: Individuals with anxious/preoccupied attachment exhibit hypervigilance towards relational cues, constantly scanning for signs of reassurance or rejection. This heightened arousal is linked to dysregulation in the amygdala, the brain's fear center, which processes emotional stimuli and triggers the fight-flight-freeze response.
Neurochemical Imbalance: Dysregulation in the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin further exacerbates attachment-related anxiety. Dopamine, associated with reward and motivation, drives the seeking of proximity and validation from the attachment figure, while serotonin deficits contribute to mood instability and emotional dysregulation.
Vagus Nerve Function: The vagus nerve, a key component of the parasympathetic nervous system, regulates social engagement behaviors and emotional regulation. Dysregulation in vagal tone, characterized by reduced heart rate variability and impaired emotional modulation, contributes to difficulties in self-soothing and maintaining emotional equilibrium.
3. Trauma and Repetition Compulsion:
Interpersonal Trauma: Early experiences of relational trauma, such as neglect, abandonment, or emotional abuse, can shape attachment patterns and perpetuate maladaptive relationship dynamics. Trauma triggers limbic system activation and impairs prefrontal cortex functioning, compromising decision-making abilities and exacerbating emotional reactivity.
Repetition Compulsion: Unresolved trauma and attachment wounds often manifest as repetition compulsion, wherein individuals unconsciously seek out relationships that recapitulate familiar relational dynamics, despite their detrimental effects. This unconscious drive stems from a subconscious attempt to master unresolved emotional experiences and achieve relational repair.
4. Fear of Abandonment and Loss:
Core Wound Activation: The prospect of abandonment or loss activates core attachment wounds, eliciting profound feelings of fear, anxiety, and emotional distress. These primal fears are deeply ingrained in the subconscious and trigger defensive responses aimed at preserving relational proximity and security.
Cognitive Distortions: Anxious/preoccupied individuals often engage in cognitive distortions, such as catastrophizing or minimizing negative experiences, to cope with attachment-related fears. These distortions reinforce the belief that the relationship is indispensable for emotional survival, despite evidence to the contrary.
5. Regulation Challenges and Self-Validation:
Self-Regulation Deficits: Difficulties in emotion regulation and self-soothing exacerbate attachment-related distress, leading individuals to rely excessively on external sources of validation and reassurance. This reliance perpetuates a cycle of dependency and undermines self-efficacy in navigating relational challenges autonomously.
Validation Seeking Behaviors: Anxious/preoccupied individuals may engage in validation-seeking behaviors, such as constant communication or seeking approval, to assuage insecurities and reaffirm relational significance. These behaviors provide temporary relief but perpetuate dependency dynamics and reinforce maladaptive attachment patterns.
The reluctance to walk away from a relationship for individuals with anxious/preoccupied attachment reflects a complex interplay of neurobiological, psychological, and relational factors. By addressing underlying attachment wounds, cultivating self-awareness, and building resilience through therapeutic interventions, individuals can gradually overcome attachment-related challenges and cultivate healthier relationship dynamics.
To hear the actual question, and my advice on how to walk away, along with other actionable advice & hands on exercises that will help you step into the best version of yourself, listen to episode 171, “Your Questions Answered: Security, Self-Love, & Confidence,” available everywhere you listen to podcasts (including Apple Podcasts here )and you can WATCH the whole video on Spotify (available here).
