Threatening to Breakup? Here’s What to Do
Let me paint a picture for you: you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks. It’s not exclusive or anything yet, but it’s going really well. You’re vibing. You’re enjoying each other’s company. You really like them. They seem to really like you. Then one day, you don’t get your usual “good morning” text. You start to wonder what’s up. A few hours go by. You start to wonder if they’ve lost interest. Another hour goes by. You start to wonder if you’ve been delusional this whole time.
You try to focus on something else. Distract yourself. Maybe even do some swiping on a dating app. Do a little work. Whatever you can to stop spiraling. But it feels impossible. You’re completely consumed with wondering what’s going on. Distracting yourself clearly isn’t working, so you start scheming other ways to alleviate the anxiety. You consider putting them on “do not disturb” mode. Maybe even block them. But your real goal is to hear from them, so that’s not necessarily enough. So you start thinking of excuses to reach out. Maybe a funny meme you could send. Maybe you can ask them if you left something at their place?
Finally, you get frustrated. Why is it that you have to sit here in this agony? Why do you have to be here, devoting all your energy to this? You don’t want to feel like this anymore. You want them to feel a little pain. So you open your phone and text “hey I don’t think this is working out” and hit send.
Of course, within minutes, you know you don’t actually want to end things. You just want them to pay attention to you again. You want them to feel a modicum of the pain you were just feeling. More than anything else, you want them to fight for you. You want them to show you that they care. You want to be alleviated from the anxiety of uncertainty.
Do you related to this story? Maybe the details were different. Maybe you were in a committed relationship. Maybe you waited longer before you did this. Maybe you’ve only done this once. Maybe you do this weekly. It really doesn’t matter. The science is all the same.
WHY does this happen?
The science is really kind of fascinating.
People with anxious attachment have an chronically activated attachment system. The attachment system are emotions & behaviors that ensure we remain safe & protected by staying close to our partners. It’s an evolutionary thing. In prehistoric times, remaining close to our loved ones is a matter of life or death.
When babies are separated from their parents, they cry. This happens because the separation activates their attachment system. Their brain starts to worry that they will die. They cry as an attempt to regain connection with their parents.
When you have anxious attachment, separation from your partner sends you back into that place in infancy. When you’re separated from your partner, it activates your attachment system just the baby separated from its parents. That’s why it feels so awful. To your brain, it literally feels like you’re dying.
So just like the baby, you feel like the only way to survive is to regain connection. The baby cries. You threaten to breakup.
Note: for more on the science of this, I highly recommend you listen to this episode of my podcast. I do a deep dive into this behavior, the science, and how to stop. I also spend the first 10 minutes describing in detail everything I do for my lashes…listen on iTunes or Spotify or everywhere else you listen to podcasts.
HOW do you stop?
Here’s a fun fact: when babies are separated from their parents, they generally do die. Babies are completely helpless. They can’t feed or provide for themselves. Moreover, babies have a very real need for touch. Babies who are not touched enough will stop growing, and if it goes on for long enough, will literally die from lack of touch! (it’s true— google it!)
But here is some hot off the press news: you are not a baby. Your partner is not your caregiver. And you will not die without them.
Nevertheless, me telling you that does quite literally nothing. After all, you already knew that.
The problem is that to your brain, you may as well be that helpless baby whose entire survival is dependent on this person. Your brain reverts to that place automatically.
So how do you stop? You rewire your brain.
Literally rewire your brain. Your anxiously-attached brain quickly jumps to an activated attachment system. But guess what? A securely attached brain does not. A securely attached brain is able to look at the situation more logically. A securely attached brain isn’t so pressed on this. A securely attached brain is able to communicate easily. And truthfully, a securely attached brain generally seeks out people who are more reliable and consistent in the first place.
So how do you stop? You rewire your brain into that of a securely attached person.
You don’t have to stifle your feelings. You don’t have to bite your tongue. You don’t have to battle yourself to behave better. You just have to become securely attached. Then the rest happens naturally.
Moving to Secure Attachment
Does this sound too good to be true? Maybe. But it’s not. And I’m living proof.
I’m so grateful I figured out how to move to secure attachment because it changed my entire life. It made me live with more ease and peace. It enabled me to exit a bad situation. It brought me to the guy I was really into. It made me able to hold a stable, secure, easy, and fun relationship.
And that’s why I teach it. I want everyone else to experience the freedom, ease, and love that comes with secure attachment.
Ok so how do you get there? To really simplify it:
You identify the wounds that cause your attachment style. It’s often a series of very minor “traumas.” And note that I used a small “t” there. It could be as simple as your mom expressing concern when you were taking your first few steps that you would fall. Or maybe giving you a kiss when you didn’t want it. Sometimes there is bigger Trauma involved. Maybe you witnessed infidelity or fighting in your childhood home. Maybe you’ve been cheated on or gaslit.
Once you identify the wounds, you have to “process” that trauma. When we experience traumatic events, whether that’s small “t” trauma, or bigger trauma, you don’t fully grasp the experience in the moment. Your body goes into survival mode— aka your sympathetic nervous system is activated. Your body chooses a survival response: either fight, flee, or freeze. When you’re in a consistently traumatic situation, like a child that grows up in a very chaotic household, you actually fully disassociate sometimes for years. Either way, the trauma is still stored in your body, and affects your brain. Trauma processing is a way to erase the physical, emotional, and mental charge of the traumatic event from your life. My courses use tools from trauma therapies like somatic therapy and EMDR to help you process trauma.
Next, you create new neural pathways. This is where you literally shape your brain into that of a securely attached person. When you visualize something in a theta-brain wave state, it affects your brain as though it actually happened. The guided meditations in my courses get you in a theta-brain wave state, and then prompt you to visualize a type of childhood that wound yield secure attachment in adulthood. Repeating this process will strengthen those neural pathways, and literally rewire your brain into a securely attached person.
Once you complete this, you’ll be amazed at how your life changes without you even trying. All of a sudden, you’re picking people who really show up for you & are reliable. You’re no longer hyper-vigilant about small changes. Your focus is so much more on YOURSELF rather than obsessing over someone else. You no longer spiral & fantasize. You’re able to communicate with ease. You don’t threaten to breakup, or play other games. Everything changes, without you even trying.
Ok, so what do you do now?
Well, if you’re ready to stop feeling like this, I highly recommend you enroll in the Blush Academy. The Academy gives you access to every single current & future course I have, which includes courses on attachment theory, strengthening your self esteem & confidence, navigating separation, and having more harmonious relationships. The Academy also gives you access to a Q&A service where you can ask any questions you have about life, your relationships, health & wellness, sex, the courses, or anything else that comes up. All of this for a low monthly fee.
The value of the membership is literally tens of thousands of dollars, but you can get access for as little as $29 per month.
