How I went from Anxiously Attached to Secure
Let me paint a picture for you: you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks. It’s not exclusive or anything yet, but it’s going really well. You’re vibing. You’re enjoying each other’s company. You really like them. They seem to really like you. Then one day, you don’t get your usual “good morning” text. You start to wonder what’s up. A few hours go by. You start to wonder if they’ve lost interest. Another hour goes by. You start to wonder if you’ve been delusional this whole time.
You try to focus on something else. Distract yourself. Maybe even do some swiping on a dating app. Do a little work. Whatever you can to stop spiraling. But it feels impossible. You’re completely consumed with wondering what’s going on. Distracting yourself clearly isn’t working, so you start scheming other ways to alleviate the anxiety. You consider putting them on “do not disturb” mode. Maybe even block them. But your real goal is to hear from them, so that’s not necessarily enough. So you start thinking of excuses to reach out. Maybe a funny meme you could send. Maybe you can ask them if you left something at their place?
What happens next is a choose-your-own adventure. Maybe you text something. Maybe you block them. Maybe you hit them with a “hey I don’t think this is working out” text just to get their attention. Maybe you do a combination of all of these things.
Regardless of what you do, one thing remains: you feel like shit. Your entire existence right now is obsessing over someone.
My Story
I could write BOOKS about this concept. I have probably spent—wasted—years of my life in this state.
I remember once when I was first dating a guy I really liked, who just wasn’t very communicative. I would wake up, excited to hear from him. The first few hours of the day would generally be ok. I would go about my day. By noon, I would be a little worried. Constantly checking the phone. By 1pm, I would be a bit irritated. I would go to instagram and see if he posted anything. I would try to force myself to do something else, to distract myself, but I would end up checking my phone every few minutes.
Then I would get a text. THE EXCITEMENT!! I look down, it’s from my friend Katie. I instantly start to hate Katie a bit. That excitement, followed by that level of disappointment. So then I go into my settings, and I put my crush on Do Not Disturb. That way, I won’t have to experience this again. I also put my phone on silent.
Maybe 125 seconds go by, I check my phone. I unlock and see if I have any texts. Nothing. I try to force myself to do something else. Something to distract me. Something to get me off my phone. It might last 5 minutes. I go back to checking my phone.
This cycle goes on for hours. With each passing hour, I get more irritated. Around 3pm, I start pulling tarot cards. I desperately hope for the “good cards” as some kind of reassurance that he actually is into me. Around 5pm I BLOCK HIM. Is there anything more cringe than blocking someone who isn’t even contacting you? Like what exactly is the point here?
In my mind, I guess I was hoping he would text, see the text not go through, and then HE would start spiraling. The blocking only lasted a few minutes…but that sentiment lasted: why am I over here, spiraling, wasting my entire day, because I’m not getting a text message; while he is out there just living his life, likely not even thinking about me? Why does it feel like my entire world is crumbling, like the ONLY thing I can think about is this man?
I’ve been in this state many, many, times. Probably the worst iteration of it was the beginning of 2019, when my ex (we call him “the comedian”) and I broke up. We broke up right after NYE, and it was kind of my fault- I got drunk & picked a fight. I was desperate to get back together. I put him on such a pedestal, and I was so mortified by my behavior. I was convinced we were meant to be together, and I was convinced he would text or call eventually. I just had to wait.
January 2019 was probably the hardest month of my life. I wasn’t even mourning the end of the relationship because I was too busy spiraling over the lack of communication. I was too busy checking & refreshing my phone.
That break up ended up leading to sooo much growth & healing, which I am forever grateful for, but the spiraling over communication still lingered. Even when I started dating in June 2020, I was still suffering from this. It took close to another year, but I finally was able to get to the root, and heal it. I finally got to a place where I was less obsessed with romance in general. Where my entire sense of self-worth didn’t depend on whether my love interest was showering me with attention.
WHY does this happen?
The science is really kind of fascinating.
People with anxious attachment have an chronically activated attachment system. The attachment system are emotions & behaviors that ensure we remain safe & protected by staying close to our partners. It’s an evolutionary thing. In prehistoric times, remaining close to our loved ones is a matter of life or death.
When babies are separated from their parents, they cry. This happens because the separation activates their attachment system. Their brain starts to worry that they will die. They cry as an attempt to regain connection with their parents.
When you have anxious attachment, separation from your partner sends you back into that place in infancy. When you’re separated from your partner, it activates your attachment system just the baby separated from its parents. That’s why it feels so awful. To your brain, it literally feels like you’re dying.
So just like the baby, you feel like the only way to survive is to regain connection. When you are waiting for someone to text you, fear that they are losing interest, in a fight, or worst of all— going through a relationship/situationship ending, it literally feels like you might die. Like your life is in danger.
HOW do you stop?
Here’s a fun fact: when babies are separated from their parents, they generally do die. Babies are completely helpless. They can’t feed or provide for themselves. Moreover, babies have a very real need for touch. Babies who are not touched enough will stop growing, and if it goes on for long enough, will literally die from lack of touch! (it’s true— google it!)
But here is some hot off the press news: you are not a baby. Your partner is not your caregiver. And you will not die without them.
Nevertheless, me telling you that does quite literally nothing. After all, you already knew that.
The problem is that to your brain, you may as well be that helpless baby whose entire survival is dependent on this person. Your brain reverts to that place automatically.
So how do you stop? You rewire your brain.
Literally rewire your brain. Your anxiously-attached brain quickly jumps to an activated attachment system. But guess what? A securely attached brain does not. A securely attached brain is able to look at the situation more logically. A securely attached brain isn’t so pressed on this. A securely attached brain is able to communicate easily. And truthfully, a securely attached brain generally seeks out people who are more reliable and consistent in the first place.
So how do you stop? You rewire your brain into that of a securely attached person.
You don’t have to stifle your feelings. You don’t have to bite your tongue. You don’t have to battle yourself to behave better. You just have to become securely attached. Then the rest happens naturally.
Moving to Secure Attachment
Does this sound too good to be true? Maybe. But it’s not. And I’m living proof.
I’m so grateful I figured out how to move to secure attachment because it changed my entire life. It made me live with more ease and peace. It enabled me to exit a bad situation. It brought me to the guy I was really into. It made me able to hold a stable, secure, easy, and fun relationship.
And that’s why I teach it. I want everyone else to experience the freedom, ease, and love that comes with secure attachment.
Ok so how do you get there? To really simplify it:
You identify the wounds that cause your attachment style. It’s often a series of very minor “traumas.” And note that I used a small “t” there. It could be as simple as your mom expressing concern when you were taking your first few steps that you would fall. Or maybe giving you a kiss when you didn’t want it. Sometimes there is bigger Trauma involved. Maybe you witnessed infidelity or fighting in your childhood home. Maybe you’ve been cheated on or gaslit.
Once you identify the wounds, you have to “process” that trauma. When we experience traumatic events, whether that’s small “t” trauma, or bigger trauma, you don’t fully grasp the experience in the moment. Your body goes into survival mode— aka your sympathetic nervous system is activated. Your body chooses a survival response: either fight, flee, or freeze. When you’re in a consistently traumatic situation, like a child that grows up in a very chaotic household, you actually fully disassociate sometimes for years. Either way, the trauma is still stored in your body, and affects your brain. Trauma processing is a way to erase the physical, emotional, and mental charge of the traumatic event from your life. My courses use tools from trauma therapies like somatic therapy and EMDR to help you process trauma.
Next, you create new neural pathways. This is where you literally shape your brain into that of a securely attached person. When you visualize something in a theta-brain wave state, it affects your brain as though it actually happened. The guided meditations in my courses get you in a theta-brain wave state, and then prompt you to visualize a type of childhood that wound yield secure attachment in adulthood. Repeating this process will strengthen those neural pathways, and literally rewire your brain into a securely attached person.
Once you complete this, you’ll be amazed at how your life changes without you even trying. All of a sudden, you’re picking people who really show up for you & are reliable. You’re no longer hyper-vigilant about small changes. Your focus is so much more on YOURSELF rather than obsessing over someone else. You no longer spiral & fantasize. You’re able to communicate with ease. You don’t threaten to breakup, or play other games. Everything changes, without you even trying.
Ok, so what do you do now?
Well, if you’re ready to stop feeling like this, I highly recommend you enroll in the Blush Academy. The Academy gives you access to every single current & future course I have, which includes courses on attachment theory, strengthening your self esteem & confidence, navigating separation, and having more harmonious relationships. The Academy also gives you access to a Q&A service where you can ask any questions you have about life, your relationships, health & wellness, sex, the courses, or anything else that comes up. All of this for a low monthly fee.
The value of the membership is literally tens of thousands of dollars, but you can get access for as little as $29 per month.
