Cacio e Pepe Butterbeans
On December 31, 2018, I went to the Phish NYE show at Madison Square Garden with my boyfriend at the time, aka, “The Comedian.”
I won’t bore you with all of the details, but in short: there was a few months of resentment that had been bubbling up, I had a few cocktails, I was already irritated that he brought his friend without telling me, and when he said happy new year to his friend before he said it to me at midnight, all hell broke loose. Everything that I had been holding in & suppressing came pummeling out of me like the stampede scene in the 1995 Jumanji movie.
I cried, I screamed, I caused a scene, I broke up with him AT. THE. PHISH. SHOW. I blocked his phone, drunkenly ran away, made him chase after me, yada yada yada.
Anyway, the next morning, I woke up thinking this would just be a fight that we would get over. After all, 30 hours prior, this man was crying about how much he loved me. He certainly wouldn’t leave me just because I had one bad night?
Well, I was wrong.
He left my apartment the next morning, and did not call or text me that entire day. Nor did he the next day. Nor the day after that.
After FIVE DAYS!!! I couldn’t take the anxiety anymore, and I called him. He told me he was done, he wanted nothing to do with me, and that we would never get back together.
I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I tried to bargain. But he was not having it.
The next few months were awful for me. The first couple of weeks, it felt like I could barely breathe. I was a ball of anxiety, constantly checking my phone, hoping and praying that he had called or texted. I was constantly pulling tarot cards, seeing psychics, going to 3 different types of therapists, reading every manifestation book I could come across…all in desperate attempt to get back together.
One particularly low night, I bought a spell book, and tried to do a spell to bring him back to me. Yes you heard that right— I tried to conduct witchcraft to bring him back. To say I was desperate is a gross understatement.
This entire time, I refused to hear anyone when they suggested that maybe he wasn’t the right guy for me.
I was grasping so hard onto the narrative that the breakup was 100% my fault, that he had been perfect, and that if I just fixed myself and never ever ever made any tiny mistake ever again, we would be happily ever after.
The Turning Point
The first seed for a turning point was planted exactly 2 weeks after the breakup. I was watching the latest episode of Vanderpump Rules, which picked up the morning after Stassi & Ariana’s “Ice Queens” birthday party. At the party, Stassi had had a meltdown and yelled at Beau. They didn’t have it on camera, but the meltdown sounded a lot like my NYE meltdown.
When the cameras shot her and Beau talking the next morning, I felt queasy. I felt like my reprieve show was throwing my biggest pain & shame in my face. I was nervous for Stassi, because I was projecting my experience with my ex onto her life.
But something interesting happened: in the conversation, Beau was really sweet, really understanding, and showed so much love and compassion. After the conversation scene, in his green screen talking head interview, Beau said something to the effect of “of course we will work it out, I love her.”
That hit me like a ton of bricks.
That was the first time that I was able to admit to myself a tiny bit that maybe The Comedian wasn’t the guy for me. Maybe I needed a guy like Beau, someone who had some modicum of patience. Someone who wouldn’t ghost me because I had one bad night…even if that night was really, really bad.
Attachment Theory
A few weeks after the Vanderpump breakthrough, I heard about attachment theory.
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, describes how early relationships with caregivers shape individuals' internal working models of relationships and influence their social and emotional development throughout life. According to attachment theory, individuals develop specific attachment styles based on their experiences with caregivers during infancy and childhood.
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. These attachment styles reflect patterns of behavior and internalized beliefs about oneself and others in relationships. Secure attachment is characterized by a positive view of oneself and others, comfort with intimacy and autonomy, and effective emotion regulation. Anxious or preoccupied attachment is characterized by a negative view of oneself and a positive view of others, excessive need for reassurance and validation, fear of abandonment, and heightened emotional reactivity. Dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterized by a positive view of oneself and a negative view of others, discomfort with intimacy, emotional distancing, and self-reliance. Fearful-avoidant attachment is characterized by a negative view of oneself and others, ambivalence about intimacy, fear of rejection, and difficulty trusting others.
Explaining my Behavior
I had pretty severe anxious attachment.
Anxious attachment is associated with heightened emotional reactivity, sensitivity to rejection, and difficulties regulating emotions, particularly in relationships. Individuals with anxious attachment may experience frequent meltdowns, emotional outbursts, or intense emotional responses when they perceive threats to their relationships or fear abandonment. These behaviors— often called “protest behaviors”— are an attempt to force reconnection when there is a perceived threat to that connection. Their emotional regulation difficulties may stem from underlying fears of rejection, low self-esteem, and a reliance on external validation to soothe feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
Anxious individuals often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection, which can make it challenging to accept the end of a relationship. Even in the face of clear evidence that a relationship is no longer viable or healthy, individuals with anxious attachment may cling to hope, idealize the partner, and engage in behaviors to try to maintain the connection. The prospect of separation triggers intense feelings of loss, fear, and abandonment, leading to prolonged grieving, rumination, and difficulty moving on from the relationship. That’s why, months later, I still couldn’t seem to accept that it was over.
The Nervous System Connection
The connection between anxious attachment and the nervous system lies in the interplay between attachment-related experiences, emotional regulation processes, and the functioning of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), particularly the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches. Anxious attachment is associated with heightened arousal and reactivity in the ANS, which can influence emotional responses, stress regulation, and interpersonal behaviors.
Anxious attachment is characterized by a hyperactivation of the stress response system, resulting in heightened physiological arousal and emotional reactivity in response to perceived threats to attachment security. This hyperarousal is mediated by the sympathetic nervous system, which mobilizes the body's fight-or-flight response to stressors. Individuals with anxious attachment may exhibit exaggerated physiological responses to attachment-related triggers, such as perceived rejection, abandonment, or relationship conflict. These responses can manifest as increased heart rate, elevated cortisol levels, muscle tension, and hypervigilance to cues of potential threat.
Anxiously attached individuals are often hypersensitive to social cues and interpersonal dynamics, constantly scanning their environment for signs of acceptance, rejection, or abandonment. This heightened sensitivity reflects an adaptive response to the need for proximity and connection with attachment figures. The amygdala, a key brain structure involved in threat detection and emotional processing, plays a central role in processing attachment-related cues and modulating fear responses. Anxious attachment is associated with increased amygdala reactivity to attachment-related stimuli, contributing to heightened emotional arousal and vigilance in social contexts.
Anxious attachment is also characterized by dysregulation of the parasympathetic nervous system, which governs relaxation, rest, and social engagement behaviors. Chronic stress and hyperarousal associated with anxious attachment can impair parasympathetic function, leading to difficulties in downregulating arousal and achieving states of calm and relaxation. Deficits in parasympathetic regulation can contribute to difficulties in emotional regulation, self-soothing, and interpersonal attunement, further exacerbating attachment-related insecurities and relational difficulties.
Getting to Secure Attachment
It took a while, but I was able to alchemize my Bella Swan New Moon moment into an entire career helping other people regulate their nervous systems & get to secure attachment.
First, I figured out the connection between insecure attachment, pain & shame from childhood, and the nervous system. Next, I combined elements from all the various modalities of therapy and self-help that I had tried, including EMDR, somatic therapy, CBT, and more; with my independent research on neuroscience.
I learned that the brain is malleable, and that with repetition, we can re-wire our brains to look different.
So, if you grew up in an environment that caused an insecure attachment style, you can take steps now to change the physical structure of your brain & make it look like someone’s who has secure attachment. AKA— you can get yourself to secure. How cool is that?
I started experimenting with forms of visualization, guided meditations, breathwork, and more. It took a lot of hard work & trial and error, but I finally came up with a process that can get anyone to secure.
And I’m living proof of that.
I have been with my current partner for about 3 years now. We have an incredibly safe & secure relationship. He is the exact type of guy I’ve always dreamed of— he’s funny, fun to be around, the life of the party, the guy that everyone loves. And he’s attendant, patient, kind, understanding. He simultaneously makes me feel excited and safe.
I often want to say that I’m so lucky to have found him, but I don’t believe in luck. It wasn’t lucky. I worked for it. I worked really hard, and the strength of our relationship is a testament to that.
The Cacio e Pepe Connection
Ok you might be thinking “bitch shut the fuck up and give me the recipe” and like…fair enough. But give me just a bit more.
The cacio e Pepe connection is not random. You see, after I finally accepted that The Comedian & I were not meant for each other, I went through a phase of being obsessed with all things Stassi/Stassi & Beau. I would watch the show, I followed them on Instagram, I listened to her podcast. I would listen to their banter, and daydream that I would one day have banter like that.
I remember there was a scene of Vanderpump Rules where Beau put on a T-Rex costume & made Stassi tacos, and brought her the tacos announcing that he had T-Rex tacos. In his green screen interview, he said the reason he did that was just to make her laugh.
I think I rewatched that scene 14.6 million times. Each time, daydreaming about the day that I would have a partner who would be that silly with me, and that we would giggle like that together. (spoiler: that’s exactly what my relationship is like now!)
During this intense binging-all-things-stassi-and-beau phase, I looked at photos of them in Rome, eating cacio e Pepe. And a few years later, when they got married in Rome, there was even more cacio e Pepe.
I’ve been vegan for 7 years, but I wanted to have some cacio e Pepe fun too. So I decided to develop my own vegan version.
But I decided to do it even better: a cacio e Pepe inspired dish that was designed to be supportive of your nervous system. One that would give you the nutrients that you needed to regulate your nervous system, and give you the best support to be able to move to secure attachment.
I’m proud to say, I’ve done just that.
The Benefits
This dish is rich in fiber, protein, and micronutrients that are supportive of your nervous system, your emotional regulation, confidence, and can be the first step in becoming more secure.
Butterbeans & cashews provide a great source of magnesium, which is:
Supports nervous system function and relaxation.
Helps regulate neurotransmitter activity and reduce stress levels.
Promotes parasympathetic nervous system activity, leading to a sense of calm and relaxation.
Supports gut health and may alleviate symptoms of constipation by promoting muscle relaxation in the digestive tract.
Miso provides a great source of probiotics, which is helpful because:
Supports gut health and influences mood through the gut-brain axis.
May reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression by promoting a healthy balance of gut bacteria.
Enhances digestion and nutrient absorption, which can positively impact overall well-being.
Supports bowel regularity by maintaining a healthy gut microbiome and promoting proper digestion and elimination.
Nutritional yeast provides B Vitamins (B6 and B12), which help because:
Essential for nervous system function and mood regulation.
Support neurotransmitter synthesis and energy metabolism.
Help alleviate symptoms of fatigue, low mood, and anxiety.
Support gut health by promoting the growth of beneficial gut bacteria and supporting the integrity of the intestinal lining.
Apple Cider Vinegar provides Acetic Acid, which is good because:
May help regulate blood sugar levels and insulin sensitivity, supporting stable energy levels and mood.
Promotes the growth of beneficial gut bacteria, which can influence mood and emotional well-being.
Provides alkalizing effects on the body, reducing inflammation and promoting overall health.
Supports gut health by maintaining a healthy pH balance in the digestive tract and promoting the growth of beneficial gut bacteria.
Cashews have some Omega-3 Fatty Acids, which help because:
Have anti-inflammatory properties that support brain health and mood regulation.
Reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression by modulating neurotransmitter activity and inflammation in the brain.
Support cognitive function and emotional resilience.
Support gut health by reducing inflammation in the gut and promoting the growth of beneficial gut bacteria.
Miso provides antioxidants, which:
Protect against oxidative stress and inflammation in the brain.
Support cognitive function and may reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Contribute to overall health and well-being.
Support gut health by reducing inflammation in the gut and protecting against oxidative damage to the intestinal lining.
Black pepper has Piperine, which:
Enhances the absorption of other nutrients and bioactive compounds, maximizing their benefits.
Supports digestion and nutrient uptake, which can positively impact mood and energy levels.
Provides anti-inflammatory effects that promote overall health.
Supports gut health by promoting proper digestion and nutrient absorption, leading to improved bowel regularity
The Recipe
This dish is actually super easy to make. You just soak the cashews, toast the black pepper, then blend all the sauce ingredients together, combine with butterbeans, heat it all up, and eat. You can eat these with rice, quinoa, toast, plain, or however else you desire.
Ingredients:
1 cup raw cashews, soaked (either overnight in room temp water, or for 10 minutes in boiling water)
2 tsp whole black peppercorns
1 cup water
1 tbsp nutritional yeast
3 tbsp chickpea miso
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
3 tbsp tapioca starch
2 cans of butterbeans
a little avocado oil spray
optional for garnish: 2 cashews
Instructions:
heat up a skillet on medium-high, and toast the black peppercorns until fragrant
drain & rinse the cashews
blend together cashews, water, toasted peppercorns, miso, nutritional yeast, ACV, and tapioca starch (everything other than butter beans) until super smooth
drain & rinse the butterbeans
spray a little avocado oil into the same skillet, heat up on low
add the butterbeans & sauce to the skillet, let it all heat up together until the sauce thickens and the whole thing feels warm
optional: use a microplane to grate the 2 extra cashews on top...this is really just for aesthetics, it looks like Parmesan
There you have it! If you made it all the way to the end, you may be interested in episode 170 of Blush, where I explain my 5-step protocol to get to secure attachment. You can listen anywhere you listen to podcasts, including on Apple Podcasts here, and you can watch the hole video on Spotify (available here).
And if you want access to my modality for regulating your nervous system, moving to secure attachment, and living the sparkly, vibrant, life of your dreams, check out the Blush Academy.
