When I was a little girl, I had a vision of how my life would look.

I was going to be skinny, pretty, and have really cool clothes.

I was going to be popular, well-liked, have a great circle of friends, and be dating a tan surfer with long blonde hair who worshiped the ground I walked on.

I was going to live in a house that had a big pool, I would lounge in a cute white cropped cami & shorts set and big bunny fuzzy slippers, and I would drive a convertible down a palm-tree lined street.

I basically envisioned my life as being a cross between Cher Horowitz and Cameron Diaz’ character from There’s Something About Mary.

Fuck it– Cameron Diaz’ character from every movie she was in.

That smile. That energy. The way her eyes glistened. She wasn’t just pretty, she was magnetic. There really was something about her. She seemed like someone who was effortlessly cool, vivacious, vibrant, and sparkly. She just seemed so perfect. I wanted to be perfect like that.

But my life was far from that.

From the time I was little, I suffered from two things: 1. Constipation; 2. A lack of emotional regulation.

These two things ran my life.

My tummy always hurt. I would get bloated easily, was afraid to eat lots of things, and felt like I was 6 months pregnant all the time. 

I wasn’t confident, breezy, cool, or vibrant. I was shy, isolated, and insecure. I always wanted to be the center of attention, but also would dive out of the spotlight because I didn’t feel like I deserved it.

I was always the weird, isolated girl in school. I had a few friends– the quiet, foreign girls (I was foreign too!). I wasn’t living out my Cher Horowitz life. I wasn’t even like Tai pre-being plucked by Cher. I was that character in the background who never came fully into focus on the lens.

I could never hang on to relationships. I had a slew of former best friends, and when I got a bit older, a graveyard of failed romances, all of which ended because I would “go crazy.”

No matter how chill, fun, and easy going I would start, eventually I would become insecure, start playing games, picking fights, or otherwise acting out. 

Every time I started dating someone new, I would swear to myself this time was going to be different. This time I would be that cool, sparkly, fun Cameron Diaz-like chick that he wouldn’t be able to get enough of. I would wear all my cutest lingerie, we would go on beach vacations and I would feel good in a bikini, and we would just have the time of our fucking lives.

The reality? I wouldn’t hear from him for a few hours one day and I would start losing my mind. I would start blocking & unblocking his phone number. I would pull tarot cards or hire psychics to tell me that he was my “twin flame.” I would start daydreaming about ways I could stage running into him with another guy to make him jealous. It would fully take over my life.

Oh and my visions of wearing cute lingerie and beach vacations? Nope. Instead, I would wear oversized tee shirts and big sweaters to hide my round belly, and would be terrified to eat around him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to poop and I would be uncomfortable and gassy.

My life was so far from how I wanted it to look.

I went to therapy to address the emotional regulation piece. After years and years of therapy, we still couldn’t quite figure out why my emotions would take over, why I couldn’t bite my sharp tongue in the heat of the moment, and why all my relationships blew up.

I also saw every kind of medical professional imaginable for my gut issues. I went to doctors, gastroenterologists, and endocrinologists. I did acupuncture, acupressure, and a type of “visceral manipulation” where they stimulate your colon from the top of your belly.

I sought every kind of treatment you can imagine, from the most western, allopathic medicine; to the most woo woo shit you can imagine. I went to hospitals and got colonoscopies, I also saw practitioners who lit sage and had crystals in the corner.

No matter where I went or what I did, the prognosis was the same: it is what it is.

I was told by therapists, psychics, and astrologists alike that I was just a “fiery” person and that I needed to find someone who would tolerate my bullshit.

And I was told by gastroenterologists that I would probably have to take laxatives for the rest of my life.
But, I always knew it didn’t have to be like that.
Have you ever been in a situation in life where you know what you’re doing is wrong, and you know you shouldn’t be there?

One time when I was a freshman in high school, I was friends with this boy Daniel & this girl Julie who had really cool friends. Obviously I wanted to get in closer with them because I wanted to live out my cool popular girl fantasies. So, one day when they invited me to skip gym class with them and leave school, I went. 

I had to hide in a senior’s car trunk to leave the premises, and we all hung out in a defunct McDonald’s parking lot. Some of the older kids were taking swigs out of a brandy bottle and smoking cigarettes, and telling stories about getting drunk and high.

I remember a voice in my head screaming “THIS ISN’T YOU!!! YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE” these kids weren’t cool. They weren’t my Cher Horowitz fantasy. Sure, they were pretty and blonde and thin and confident. But they were not my vision of what cool was. And this environment was not the life I envisioned for myself.

It was a similar situation here. This life I was living– insecurity, hiding, toxic relationships, bloating– it wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself. There was a little voice that told me that all these medical professionals and practitioners were wrong. And that I could live a better life.

And I am so fucking grateful I listened.

Today, my life still isn’t perfect. I don’t have a convertible, I don’t drive on palm-tree lined streets…I actually don’t drive at all (I live in NYC).

But…I am happy. I am really, genuinely, happy. I am fulfilled, I feel light and vibrant, I’m more secure and confident than I ever have been, and I poop every day.

I actually do date a tall, tan surfer guy with long blonde hair who worships the ground I walk on.

And even though I am not perfect all the time, my life is far closer to the life I envisioned as a child than it is to what I actually experienced most of my life.

Now, it took me a looooooong time to get here. It took 20+ years of research & experimentation to figure it out. But now that I have, I can teach you so that you can get here quickly.

My problems were rooted in a dysregulated nervous system & insecure attachment.