The Window of Tolerance
Ever wonder why some people are just easy going and chill; and others are frantic and shrill?
Ever wonder why you can handle major things really well, but then something tiny will cause you to lose your cool?
Ever wonder why some days you’ll handle something really well, but on other days, that exact same event causes you to react?
The Window of Tolerance can explain.
The Window of Tolerance is a concept in mental health that refers to your optimal arousal state, where you can effectively cope with stressors. When you are within this window, emotions can be regulated, and cognitive functions remain intact.
Each piece of stress that you experience pushes you closer & closer to the edges of your window. If you keep experiencing stressors, something will eventually push you outside of your window, where you are no longer capable of emotional regulation.
For example, you might wake up one day, and find that your dog had an accident. That’s your first stressor. You’ll probably handle that well. Maybe next, your phone screen shatters. You’re still within your window, you’re fine. Then you get an angry email from your boss. Then maybe you spill your coffee. Next, you burn your toast. Next, your power goes out.
So long as you are still within your window of tolerance, you’ll find that you will handle these incidents quite well.
But now let’s say the power outage pushed you right up against the edge of your window. Then you stub your toe. The toe stub will then push you outside of your window.
Once you’re outside of your window of tolerance, each additional stressor— even if it’s minor, inconsequential, and silly— will cause you to react.
Your reaction really depends on your primary stress response. Some people get anxious, overthink, and get panicked. Other people may freeze, have a hard time taking action, and disassociate. Some resort to people-pleasing. Personally, I get irritable, frustrated, and snappy. [NOTE: If you want to know your primary stress response, take my “Nervous System Dysregulation” Quiz!]
If you want to avoid having nasty reactions, you need to stay within your Window of Tolerance.
The problem? You can’t necessarily control your external stressors. Sometimes coffee spills. Sometimes toast gets burnt. Your boss may be an asshole. Power outages happen. You do not have control over these things.
And speaking of control—once you’re outside of your Window of Tolerance, it’s near impossible to control your actions.
But here is where you do have control: you can increase the size of your Window of Tolerance, so you can experience more external stressors without reacting.
How do you do that? By pushing up against it.
It’s kind of like trying to become more flexible. You stretch until you’re right at the edge of stretch vs. pain. And you hold that pose for a limited time. And you repeat.
After a few times, you’ll notice that you can stretch further without reaching your edge. So you stretch further. And you keep doing it. And over time, you’ll notice that you can stretch further & further without experiencing pain.
It’s the same thing here. You intentionally expose yourself to stress, push against the edge of your window of tolerance, and keep stretching it out.
When you increase your window, you can hold more
You’ll find that you can experience more stressful events & triggers, and not react. You’ll find yourself being more easy going, more relaxed, and more pleasant. You’ll find that you feel better in your body, you’ll look better (because stress fucks with your skin, your hair, your water retention, and your digestion); and you’ll find that your relationships will improve.
Nervous system disregulation is the silent killer of most relationships. It causes us to be snappy, rude, frantic, paranoid, or just generally unpleasant to be around.
But when you are regulated, you can shine fully. You are your best self.
To increase your window, use hormesis
Hormesis is a biological concept that explains how small, time-limited, intentional, doses of a “harmful” substance can actually be beneficial. Hormesis shows us that small doses of stress actually increase your mental resilience & capacity for stress.
Here are some forms of acutely stressful activities that you can incorporate into your daily life to increase your mental resilience & capacity for stress:
certain types of active breathwork
cold exposure
sauna
lifting weights
HIIT
running
Learn more
If you found all of this interesting, and want to learn more, listen to Blush Pod episode 156, “Am I the A**hole: Communication, Window of Tolerance & Attachment Styles Interacting,” anywhere you listen to podcasts (including iTunes/apple here), and you can WATCH the whole thing on Spotify (available here).
And if you’re ready to fully embody the best version of yourself, take the Blush Academy Nervous System Regulation Course.
