Confidence & PIMS

Aug 1

When I first started dating my partner, “Aussie,” I was obsessed with him.

Our first date was probably my favorite first date of all time. Not so much because we did anything really cool or special, but more so because I had never had such a strong sense of humor connection with someone, nor felt so comfortable showing my full self to someone.

On our first date, we developed an inside joke that involved an acronym, PIMS. If you listen to the podcast, you know what PIMS stands for…

Anyway, PIMS became a big thing in our early courtship, and whenever we saw those letters together (like a Pim cup on a drink menu) we would always text each other.

There were these European cookies called Pim’s that I knew a nearby bodega carried. They’re soft cookies with orange jam and a thin layer of dark chocolate.

One time, when I was anxiously waiting to hear from Aussie and thought that I might die of anxiety, I walked to the bodega, took a picture of the cookies, and texted him nonchalantly as though I didn’t just walk 20 minutes solely to orchestrate this picture.

The early stages of our courtship were like this. I was so anxiously attached and preoccupied with romance that I used to play a lot of games. I would strategize how long I would wait to respond to his texts, I almost never texted him first, I would say and do things to try to make him insecure and jealous, and I overall put a lot of thought and strategy into everything I did and said.

Nervous System x Dating Anxiety

When you play games in dating, it often stems from an anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment, one of the four attachment styles defined by attachment theory, arises from inconsistent caregiving in early childhood. This style is characterized by a deep fear of abandonment and a strong need for closeness and reassurance. As an anxiously attached person, you might engage in manipulative or strategic behaviors in relationships to seek validation, avoid rejection, and maintain a sense of control.

These behaviors reflect underlying insecurities and a constant need for reassurance. Rather than fostering genuine connection, they often create confusion, mistrust, and emotional volatility, perpetuating a cycle of anxiety and instability in relationships.

Your Nervous System x Attachment Style

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how early interactions with caregivers shape your expectations and behaviors in relationships throughout life. The theory categorizes attachment styles into secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each reflecting different patterns of intimacy and dependence based on childhood experiences.

Polyvagal theory, introduced by Stephen Porges, offers a physiological perspective on how your autonomic nervous system (ANS) responds to stress and social engagement. The theory highlights three primary states mediated by the vagus nerve:

Safe and social (ventral vagal state): When you feel safe, your ventral vagal system is active, promoting social engagement, relaxation, and healthy communication.
Fight or flight (sympathetic state): When you perceive a threat, your sympathetic nervous system activates, preparing you to fight or flee.
Shutdown or freeze (dorsal vagal state): In the face of extreme stress, your dorsal vagal system can trigger a state of immobilization or shutdown.

These states influence your capacity to connect with others and manage stress. When you have a secure attachment, your nervous system can effectively regulate between these states, promoting resilience and healthy relationships. Conversely, an anxious attachment style often correlates with a hyperactive sympathetic state, where you constantly anticipate and react to perceived threats of abandonment or rejection.

The connection between attachment theory and polyvagal theory lies in the interplay between early relational experiences and your nervous system's response patterns. Your attachment style influences how your ANS responds to relational cues, and vice versa.

Secure Attachment and Ventral Vagal State: If you have a secure attachment, you likely experience a predominance of ventral vagal activation, enabling you to feel safe, engage socially, and regulate emotions effectively. This fosters trust and healthy connections.
Anxious Attachment and Sympathetic Activation: If you have an anxious attachment, your nervous system might frequently be in a heightened state of sympathetic activation. This manifests as hypervigilance, anxiety, and a constant need for reassurance. Your brain interprets relational cues as potential threats, triggering behaviors aimed at securing closeness and avoiding abandonment, which aligns with the anxious attachment pattern.
Avoidant Attachment and Dorsal Vagal Activation: Avoidant attachment can correspond with dorsal vagal activation, leading to emotional shutdown, detachment, and a reluctance to engage intimately. This reflects a defensive strategy to minimize vulnerability and maintain emotional distance.

Getting to secure attachment was a multi-layered approach for me. It involved a lot of inner child work, a lot of self-hypnosis, and a lot of Neural ReWiring. But, it all started with regulating my nervous system, and eating a diet rich in nutrients that support my gut health, nervous system, and mood was the first step.

This Dish

soft gluten-free vegan cookie, raw orange superfood jam, raw cacao paste

The Benefits

these cookies are good for your gut health, nervous system, and mood. specifically:

almonds, dates, oranges, and sea moss are all rich in fiber, which acts as a prebiotic, feeding beneficial gut bacteria. This promotes a healthy microbiome, essential for digestion and nutrient absorption. Dietary fiber adds bulk to stool and helps maintain regular bowel movements. This can prevent constipation and promote a healthy digestive system. A healthy gut microbiome, supported by fiber, can influence the production of neurotransmitters like serotonin, which impacts mood and emotional well-being.
almonds, dates, sea moss, and cacao are rich in magnesium, which helps in muscle function, including the muscles of the digestive tract, promoting smooth peristalsis; and plays a key role in nerve function and neurotransmitter production.
almonds, oranges, and cacao are rich in antioxidants, which reduce inflammation and oxidative stress in the gut, promoting a healthy gut environment; help mood; and protect nerve cells from oxidative damage, supporting overall brain health.
sea moss & dates have prebiotic fiber. Probiotics introduce beneficial bacteria to the gut, while prebiotics (fiber) feed these bacteria, promoting a balanced microbiome. A healthy balance of gut bacteria aids digestion and promotes regularity. A balanced microbiome supports the gut-brain axis, influencing the production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters. A healthy microbiome supports the production of neurotransmitters and other compounds that affect brain function.
PEA is a compound found in cacao that acts as a natural antidepressant. It promotes the release of endorphins, the "feel-good" hormones, which can elevate your mood and increase feelings of pleasure and happiness.
A type of soluble fiber found in orange peel, pectin acts as a prebiotic, feeding beneficial gut bacteria. These bacteria, in turn, produce short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) like butyrate, which nourish the cells lining your colon, reduce inflammation, and support overall gut health.
Polyphenols in orange peel can modulate the gut microbiome, promoting the growth of beneficial bacteria while inhibiting pathogenic bacteria. This balance is crucial for maintaining a healthy digestive system and preventing gastrointestinal issues.

The Recipe

Cookie Layer:

1 cup almond flour
0.5 cups coconut flour
0.5 cup date caramel (blend 1/3 cups pitted medjool dates with 1/3 cups water in a high speed blender until super smooth)

Orange Layer:

2 whole oranges, peeled
0.5 cup dried sea moss, soaked
3-6 pitted medjool dates
1 tbsp vanilla extract

Choc Layer:

1 square of cacao paste (84g)
a little pinch of maldon flaky salt
optional: orange zest. if you do use orange zest, please make sure you use an organic orange, and it is well washed

Instructions:

soak sea moss for 4-8 hours, or according to the package instructions
make date caramel
by hand, mix all the cookie layer ingredients
form circles. I used muffin molds, but you don't actually need them
freeze the cookie layer while you blend the next layer
drain & rinse sea moss and blend all the orange layer ingredients together until super smooth. it takes a while to get the moss SUPER smooth
spread orange layer on cookie layer & refrigerate till set
melt the cacao paste and drizzle on top
top with flaky sea salt & orange zest

For More on Dating Games & Anxiety…

To hear more on attachment theory, playing games in dating, dating-related anxiety, and to hear the full PIMS story…listen to ep 192, “Your Questions Answered: Making Excuses to Text & Guys Who Won't Commit” available everywhere you listen to podcasts (including Apple Podcasts here), and you can WATCH the whole thing on Spotify Podcasts (available here).

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