Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is a branch of psychology that describes the nature of emotional attachments between humans. It originated with the works of child psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. They noticed that the way infants got their needs met through their parents significantly affected their attachment styles throughout their lives. Your attachment style can explain a lot about why you’re attracted to the people you’re attracted to, and why certain relationship patterns keep coming up for you.
There are three broad attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. There is a fourth type— anxious-avoidant— but we will not dive into that here.
Secure
People with secure attachment are comfortable expressing interest and affection. They are comfortable both in and out of relationships.
Anxious
Anxious attachment types are often nervous and stressed about their relationships. People with anxious attachment generally display some of these traits, although not necessarily all of them: need for constant reassurance and affection from their partner, are hypersensitive to the threat of a break in bond, have trouble being alone or single, have a history of succumbing to unhealthy or abusive relationships, need external validation, pick fights, provoke jealousy, threaten to leave with no intention of following though, people-pleasing traits, and so on. Essentially, the trope of being needy and clingy.
Anxious attachment generally stems from INCONSISTENCY in childhood. People with anxious attachment usually have very good, present parents who did not abandon them, but who were often distracted for very normal and valid reasons (jobs, other children, other stressors, cultural norms).
Avoidant
Avoidant attachment types are extremely independent, self-directed, and often uncomfortable with intimacy. These are your classic commitment-phobes. They are experts at rationalizing their way out of any intimate relationship (see, e.g., being so focused on their career that there is no room for an intimate relationship). Avoidant types always have an exit strategy, and often utilize them.
The anxious-avoidant couple
Anxious and Avoidants frequently end up in relationships with one another more often than they end up in relationships with their own types. That may seem counter-intuitive, but there’s order behind the madness. Avoidant types are so good at putting others off that oftentimes it’s only the anxious types who are willing to stick around and put in the extra effort to get them to open up. Anxious types are often drawn to the drama that avoidants bring (drawn to the same INCONSISTENCY felt in childhood), and may feel bored when with a secure type.
What am I?
If you are unsure where you fall, there is an excellent online test that can help you.
